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essay写作案例解析

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假设你是AdmissionsCommittee , 你希望看到申请者怎样的一面?夸夸其谈?还是就事论事,用具体的经历来打动你?很现实,解决问题或者进行叙事论述,他们确实喜欢的是直接,喜欢论据,例证!我们该如何获取这些资料和论证?而我们又该怎样写出符合阅读者口味?下面我们就来分析一下以下具体案例。

A Boy’s Firsts

The boy is such a common boy. He is so common that only acquainted friends can notice him among the crowd; he is so common that he does not change his girlfriend one time per month, just as those playboys do; and he is so common that his daily life is no morespecial than those who listen to rock n’ roll, bet for soccer games and seldomclean their rooms.

(通过common的排比句来顺承接下来的special,整篇文章这个申请者都是用的第三人称,而非第一人称“I”)

However,the boy is somewhat special. (顺理成章)

He usually thinks that, his experience and personal achievements, along with his own happiness and grievances, are enough for him to be unique, though he does not have a face as good-looking as BradPitt or Keanu Reeves, or whoever.

(总体介绍写哪里special,类似Toefl Writing的首段,无论是ETS的考官和ADCOM的人,记住这就是他们的阅读习惯)

First Award从这里开始,这个申请者将向ADCOM展现出他一连串的第一次

It was such a surprising gift for a 12-year-old boy to know that he had won the first prize in the national mathematics competition.The boy clutched the certification and laughed like a sunflower blooming in aspring morning. He had spent three months preparing for that competition and had lost 5kg weightbut he was very happy, as happy as you could imagine. Enjoying the pace of enterprising, he began to believe “No pain no gain”that afternoon.

(标红的地方这个申请者向我们具体介绍special的成就,同时带出自己当时的辛苦付出,努力+学习能力+收获,表明“我”就是你们要找的那个人)

First Setback

Huddling up in the quilt crying, the boy was introspecting himself. For his haughtiness after achieving the second prize in the National Physics Competition,he deserved the rank of last 5% in the final examination of 7th grade. Wiping up the tears, he set himselfa promise of being humble and sober. The boy kept the promise and became a young man of greatmaturity.

(很多学校的Essay会要求学生写一段自己失败的经历,这其实是一个很好的展现你优点的题目,要好好把握;对于自己失败的素材也要谨慎挑选,比失败本身更重要的是你从这里面学到了什么,就是因为有了这次失败,你比别人有多多学习到了那么一点点;像这篇PS,这个申请者通过标红色的地方是通过第一次失败,向ADCOM展现出一个不仅数理能力优秀,而且还是一个humble,一个比同龄人更maturity的申请者)

First cooking

“Quite atough work.” The boy said to himself, smearing soap on a blister caused by the burningoil. But a small blister never could stop him fromdoing his “cooking research”. The boy stood in front of the gas-stove again, holding a pancake turner in his left hand, hewas trying to find out the correct time ofadding salt and the appropriate amount of otherflavorings. Afterso many failures, he felt that it was not asimple task of cooking out palatable meals, nut a challenge of surpassing himself. When the boy finally finished working one and a half hours later, he put a sweet smile on his dirty face. The boy wrote in his diary, “keep working and you’ll win.”

(标红色的地方写的很一针见血很贴切,贴切在于通过第一次做饭我们看到不怕困难、勇往直前的申请者;以后跟着老板作Research不是也一样么?Dylan看过一篇Ivy League的ADCOM写的他们眼中的优秀Essay,有一点给Dylan印象很深刻,那位ADCOM说他们希望找到那种具有善于自省、勇于尝试的申请者: after so many failures并没有什么丢人的写在Essay里面,没有人会一两次就取得成功,做research也是一样,比成功更重要的是在失败中不断总结、不管完善,until you succeed)

First Love

At the age of 16, the boy fell in love with a smart girl. Eating ice-cream with the girl in the ice-cream bar at the street, walking on the boulevard hand in hand, cycling her home and kissing goodbye,he regarded love as the holy thing in his life. Thus, the boy demonstrates a love from heart; he cares everyone nearby and wants them to bebeatific with their families. As people say, an angelic soul.

(标红的地方申请者写的很具体,但是字数并不多,三言两语写出first love带给他的甜蜜感受;然后笔锋一转,标黄的地方又展现出在学术能力以外,一种人文素养——关心别人、关心community)

First Job

The extremely hot summer holiday of 16, the boy was excited when he got a job at the local train station as a ticket-taker. First working day, the boy got up so early that when he arrived at the station, the previous ticket-taker was still on his work, in astonishment of the boy’s appearance. But the ticket-taker did not knowthat, the boy was just so eager as to get on thejob to show that he had grown up.

Soon a common college student will he be. A common one that will be assiduous inclass and passionate in the basketball court;that will make every effort to run for the Chairman of the Student Union but may still face failure;that is no more special than those who spend half a day in libraries and forget to go to dinner when do researches in labs.But somehow he will be a unique college student, because he will have his own way of fulfilling his dreams.

And as you may know, the boy is me.

(很多同学申请的研究生学位以上的项目可能或多或少都需要实习经验或者是工作经验,这个申请者通过自己的一段暑期实习,向ADCOM展现出一个对工作、对生活都充满热情、积极向上的感情;紧接着第二段,首尾呼应common和special又带我们重新回到主题:“我”就是这样一个common的学生,但是我身上有着这样那样的一些special的地方——勤奋学习+对运动充满热情<still face failure, but keep on trying until succeed>+去图书馆+作实验,这一切的一切只为fulfilling my dreams,文章最后出人意料又在情理之中: And as you may know, the boy is me.)

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